Cest la vie

I am not a writing person. It's not that I don't like to write, in fact I have millions of thoughts and things I want to share spinning in my mind and its unable to be written out word by word clearly.

Once in a while, I do click in to my blog and take a look. This place has been an ancient tree with a hole that kept my secrets. Best to described as a place I could have express myself comfortably without being judge by anyone.

3 years from 2012, celebrated 3 birthday and now anticipating my official age 28 counting down another 6 months. It's a change of life to me. 

The idealistic girl whom just graduated and chose to traveled to India with impulse and curiosity. Then, entering the world of corporate world, had a hell of career started, and more to comes... I'm supposed. But, this is life. Talking about my career, I am still holding a dream of becoming someone influential who would bring changes on a world stage. Like my goddess idol - Angelina Jolie. 

But, just by holding on to a dream without action is meaningless. *I know that =.=* I am trying... one step at a time, making myself complete and competence. Right now, i know that I have not equipped with rich experience/ knowledge that I could have contribute to them. Don't even mention $...  

:) Curious about my love life? Yeah. In the mid of year 2012, I met an interesting guy, shy but funny (I assumed), doing some kind action to me, concern me. We have been dating since then and I find it is comfortable to be with him, at least, not intimidating and he seems caring. But then, he was being shilly-shally, and you know, my direct and confronting character has caused me errr now is a trouble to me. I take the step and make us a couple which I thought that is correct. LOL. I am not saying that he is bad or anything happen between us. It's just, we don't understand each other well enough and we both assumed each other as the person in our imagination. And as such, you can imagine... even a smallest issue could make us tension to each other.

Quoted the sentence from movie - Gone Girl, "everyone has told us, marriage is hard work". Don't get this wrong, me and my guy is not married, but what i trying to say here is to manage genuine love, especially for two person in the relationship is hard work. I believe no one would come and tell me that, it's so easy like you put peanut butter on your toast. NO. it is not. it requires both parties to have the same understanding on a subject, for instance. You don't need to be totally agree with each other on their thought, but at least, you understand their point of view and embrace it. 

None of us can vow to be perfect. In the end all we can do is promise to love each other with everything we've got. Because love is the best thing we do.

The process of understanding each other has gave us so much pain and near to despair.. to giving up. Break up Break up Break up, has been mentioned hundred times during our fights. The urge of finding gaps and fix it is my strength  but here in relationship it doesn't work at all! Our differences are attacking us, thinking that we are too different to be together. 

I want this to work because I know how much I love him despite of all those differences which some of them I really can't accept. But, the magical principle in relationship called - compromise have been always in my mind. I still voice out to him saying I don't like, hoping he will change.  

He told me he also want us to work, but he wants it to be following the flow~ Only fix problems when its occur, don't worry. He is frustrated that I always want assurance from him, his promises on our future seems like a dream to me not a plan. We fight from all these areas. He is frustrated that I always pick up complaint about him as he did not do well as a bf. He asked what I want for more? I have contacted you like every day and most of the moment (he is working overseas, we only see each other 3 months once) I sent you flowers on Valentine, I share my daily events (photos of where he went to, this happened after our huge fights because I said there is no sharing and its like stranger between us). He told me he is not having his space, not having my trust to him, not having my respect to him. He is not being himself. He is unable to enjoy his life. He wants a break up too. 

All the conversation I start with him is to seek for understanding, am I wrong, or he don't know I need assurance/ emotional support from him. Not that I seeking for a fight where lead to breaking up. I want to make it up not break it up. I am frustrating too. Why is he not reading my mind but misunderstood all the way down saying that I keep complaining he is not treating me good. 

What is wrong? why is he have faith in me and trusting that I became a witch that chasing after him. 

I am still the lovely Panda that are happy-go-lucky. But now, I am clueless... 

I am wondering, what is wrong...