I feel, lonely and helpless

Very often I will feel helpless and lonely

Even though I have a normal family

Even though I have some friends

Even though I am no different to others

I feel lonely

However, I have found this. 

I hope it will be useful for me to think about it. 

[When I was in solitary retreat, I knew that I was together with all sentient beings in innumerable worlds. Even though I seemed to be alone in a small, enclosed room, actually I was in company with many ants who found their way inside, and there were many insects around the hut who created all kinds of sounds in the evening. When I opened the Sutras, people thousands of years in the past were talking to me. How could I feel lonely? Some people think I must feel lonely being a monk without any wife or children. Not at all. I have the 5 precepts and the 10 Virtuous Deeds as my wife, and my children are all the people who I have developed a karmic affinity with and who call me Shih-fu. It is only those pitiable people who enclose themselves and cannot establish a relationship with the outside world who feel lonely. If you keep yourself enclosed, even if you live among thousands of people you will still feel very lonely. However, if you keep yourself open, then even if you are living alone, you will still have a very full life. So open your mind and treat everyone as your intimate, virtuous friend.
from a lecture by Shih-fu Sheng-ye]

Sometimes I just barely can determined myself

Its not meaning that I am desperately need recognition from others

It is like, even my parent do not stand with me share my views.

There is no consolidation in my family. I don't know why. 

And I was just realized about it, 4 years ago. 

which now, I have just noticed it has been seriously damaged

and yet to know whether it can be fix. 

Simple as, I wanted to take a family photo since I haven't 

have graduation photo. We should go to a good studio to do it once.

Then, dad show no respond. Mum show mumbling good studio or not, good price or not... etc. At the end, dad still no respond, and mum said

why you cannot go photo yourself only? 

I was like O.O? what? is this called family?

Don't talk about we are family to me.

I am really heart-broken with the way you both don't know how to handle your couple problem. And put all your "unable to do" list on me, expect me to do. And blame me for whatever. 

Understand that my thinking now are not correct, I know. 

Can I just run away?band leave everything behind

as I don't know how to fix your problem. 

Since that I feel so lonely, so not being support. 

T__T   

*Sigh* 

For some moment or days, I really understand what call suffering. 

Mind suffering. 

Turn me into a non-creature. Just bring beautiness and happiness to others.